running to stand still

I've spent the past few days with this phrase going round in my head. It started while I was running and listening to U2's "Veritgo" tour in Chicago, which is spectacular. When they started this song, which almost always follows "Bullet the Blue Sky" (one of my favorites), I actually stumbled a little bit because the thought stuck me: I really do feel like I'm running to stand still...meaning I feel like life is this constant race not to get ahead, but just to keep up with everything.

Granted, the song was written about a heroin addict from the Ballymun Seven Towers area of Dublin, but the lyrics reflect a sense of frustration and helplessness:

You've got to cry without weeping,
Talk without speaking,
Scream without raising your voice.

Henry David Thoreau once wrote "Our lives are frittered away by detail; simplify, simplify." There seems to always be something else: another bill to pay, another appointment to schedule, another call to return. When the lights turn off and we lie in bed at night, I think about the hours in the day and how I spent them. Before I realize it, the next day is wash, rinse, repeat. It often feels like I'm merely grinding away in the sand, only to have my tracks washed back into the ocean. But I know that is just High School mentality melodrama.

We all make our own history. Our accomplishments are up to us. Our legacies and destinies depend on each step we take, calculated or emotional. There are times to thrust your face into the wind and feel the rush of recklessness. Remind yourself that if tomorrow never comes, you have lived your best day today. Other times, we need to wrap ourselves in a blanket, close our eyes, and reject any and all responsibility. And then, when the next day arrives, we can't feel guilty about the consequences of our actions.

For this reason, I don't make New Years' resolutions. There are things I want to do this year: get married, travel out west, refinance and pay down some debt, lose five pounds, finally get started on building a recording studio... But I don't want to make them resolutions that hang over my head like an aging albatross. If the past few months have taught me anything, it's a long year and something will always get in the way. Instead, I've told myself to slow down, laugh more, take deep breaths, be the best person I can, and live within my niche.

But I'm not going to stop running.