twas the night before the night before christmas

twas the night before Christmas Eve
And all through the house
I sit in my chair, Cindy prone on the couch.
She suffered a spill on our ice-covered path,
Slipping and falling; a second crack in her @ss.
A stack of Christmas cards taunts from the kitchen.
You'll get them...just late...so don't start a'bitchin'.
Winter weather advisories scroll on the TV
Inciting a panic amongst those who can read.
"Whatever you do, don't go outside!
The roads are so bad, you'll never survive!"

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a civic-minded salt truck! Our savior is here!
More rapid than eagles his coursers arrive,
And he dumped and spread his sodium chloride.
"Now salt! Now brine! Now de-icer mixture!
On bridges! On overpasses! Wherever it's thicker!"
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Ice away! Ice away! Ice away all!"

When up to the back door suddenly flew,
A yellow Lab with her mouth full of pooh.
"Take all you want, but eat all you take.
You're not coming inside with that frozen poop steak!"
And then, in an instant, I heard a loud "Woof"
Then prancing and pawing of large Tank Man hooves.
As I closed the back door and was turning around,
The Tank Man jumped upward, four feet off the ground.
His black fur was bristling as he plowed through the door
And scooped up the turdburger dropped on the floor.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! A big smile on his snout
As he munched happily away on his poop sandwich sprout.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
The turdsicle out each side, like two lumps of coal.
The stump of frozen poop held tight in his teeth
And the stench encircled his head like a wreath.

What I wouldn't give to have just one dog
That doesn't enjoy eating frozen dog logs.
With weather like this, they stay fresh for days
And our backyard remains one big fecal buffet.
Alas, I return to my chair and my slouch,
While the dogs, now stuffed, sleep soundly on the couch.
In this moment of peace before turning in for the night,
I wish Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!