three dog night

Allow me to quickly recap how well I slept last night...

11:45pm Tank: scratch scratch scratch lick lick lick
12:30am Sophie: ssstttrrreeetch..."Hey, you're in my spot." *kick*
1:27am Darcy: *yawn* "Hey, are you awake? Are you trying to ignore me? What happens if I pant in your face with my old dog breath that smells like stale dog food, with just a hint of rotting cheese? Hmm... You turned your head the other way, so you must be awake. What happens if I climb on your back? Hey! This is pretty comfortable! Think I'll lie here for awhile, until your back is soaked with sweat and you roll over. Uh-oh...there you go...I'm falllllling..."
2:16am Tank: "Why is there suddenly a small black dog lying on me? Oh, crap! That's the one who bites!" *jumps down*
2:27am Tank: "Wait a second...why am I not on the bed? You can't possibly expect me to sleep on the floor when there is a perfectly good bed for me?" *jumps up* "Hmmm... Not much room left. Guess I'll just flop down on the human." *plop*
2:35am Sophie: ssstttrrreeetch..."Hey, you're in my spot." *kick*
2:47am Fire drill! Everybody switch!
2:58am Sophie: "I liked my old spot better." *jumps down*
3:05am Sophie: "Wait a second...why am I not on the bed?" *ssquueeaak* ... *ssquueeaak* ... *oof* ... *oof* ... *ssquueeaak* ... *oof* ...
I get out of bed and lift the helpless, squeaking, oof'ing Labrador back onto the mattress. The Labrador proceeds to sprawl and make herself the size of a Saint Bernard. I then cram myself into my customary five foot x one foot of sleeping real estate.
3:27am I think to myself, "What in the world is that horrible, acrid stench?!” I don't want to open my eyes because I'm certain somebody has jumped off the bed and birthed a monstrously large sh!t onto our recently cleaned carpet. While I’m wagering the internal struggle of whether or not I need to get out of bed and clean up the pile, I hear a very tired groan and the sound of air whistling out of a Ziploc bag. Regrettably, I open my eyes to a rush of warm stink and the sight of a Labrador ass less than three inches from my face. My eyes burning, I stumble out of bed, look around and see nothing of fecal-like quality on the floor, then push the suddenly 500-pound yellow Labrador out of my spot, and attempt to fall back asleep, with the scent of overly-processed kangaroo meat lingering in the night air.
4:13am Sophie: ssstttrrreeetch..."Hey, you're in my spot." *kick*
4:37am Tank: lick lick lick scratch scratch scratch lick lick lick scratch scratch lick lick
4:45am Darcy: pant pant pant pant lick lick lick lick lick lick
5:18am Sophie: "I liked my old spot better." *jumps down*
5:32am Tank: lick lick lick scratch scratch scratch lick lick lick scratch scratch lick lick
6:25am Sophie: Wait a second...why am I not on the bed?" *ssquueeaak* ... *ssquueeaak* ... *oof* ... *oof* ... *ssquueeaak* ... *oof* ...

Screw it… I’m getting up.